I wondered how he was going to deal with me losing a breast. Is he still going to find me attractive when I lose my hair from the chemo and when I start looking sickly? What's going to happen when I can't go out and do the things we usually do because I'll be recovering from surgery, or too tired from the treatments? I didn't want to become a needy girlfriend...that's just not my style...but I knew that I would need him....need his support during this trying time in my life. All of this scared me!
I've been a lucky gal though! My man definitely stepped up to the challenge! He was the one at my side when I first found out my diagnosis, and he's been by my side every step of the way. I felt horrible because I didn't want this to be a burden on him! This was my problem and I didn't want it to ruin both our lives..... he didn't sign up for all of this! But he told me that we were in this together!
His name is Wayne and his support has been incredible. I never would have thought that during one of the most difficult times in my life that I would find a happiness like I've never felt before. It seems like he was brought into my life at just the right time! This week he wrote the following facebook note which brought me to tears (I've gotten his permission to share it on here):
JACKPOT
Sometimes I look back at my 25 years (plus the years that I was a kid) and think, what the hell have I done to bring me to where I am now. When it comes to happiness, right now, I am very happy. It's all relative, but for me, I've worked hard at setting myself up for the happiness that I'm feeling now. Sad to say, there was a bit of materialism to it. Cars, clothes, real estate ... it sounds bad, but it wasn't even about status or anything like that. I had and still have a passion for those things, so I felt they were good investments for my happiness. Luckily, I'm somehow both an impulsive buyer AND saver. The end result is that I had fun and I'm not in debt (if you don't include a mortgage :S). What else makes me happy? People! Family, friends, ... and hot girls (hot to me, remember everything is relative). My family is great, and my last note proves that. Friends are perfect because I've selectively chosen them. I don't kick it with those who rank in the a-hole or biatch categories. Girlfriend? hmm ... let's take a moment to break that down. I'm happy with my relationship experiences and definitely enjoyed my single years. During my last single stretch, I read books, chatted over hundreds of "coffees," and accepted that it was true - my happiness had to start with me being happy as an independent. I thought it through and did what I had to do. I found an unbelievable passion in salsa. I danced on stage and played characters. My longtime friends didn't know who I was. They kept asking when I was going to be on SYTYCD. My boy promised to slap me if I ever did contemporary or wore a see-through-tight-ass, V (down to the belly button)-Neck shirt. So I stopped ... jus playin. Anyways, where was I? I had a sense of confidence that transcended off the stage and into my normal life. I was happy. By this time, I already knew what I wanted and when I would attain it. I wanted the perfect girl, and I would get her whenever she came along. Simple rule - don't settle. I was told I was crazy. Nobody is perfect. Relationships always require a lot of effort to make them work. It's normal. It's also healthy to fight. BULLSHIT! Again, it's all relative, but I refused to go by that philosophy. Long story short - there was this girl I danced with that was exotic, mestiza, sweet, quiet, chill, calm, elegant ... all things that I liked. More importantly, she didn't annoy me. She thought I was "thoughtful" so we hooked up. Wow. To all whom I said "BULLSHIT", I TOLD you so! Honestly, our relationship took off fast (it started last May). Why not though? If you're feelin' it, go with it. We were thrown a curve ball though. Last September, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. WTF. Doctors told us off the bat that the next 8 months or so would be incredibly taxing, in so many ways. I can never explain exactly what my gf is going through. I can only imagine. I've been by her side the whole time though - and from what I can see, she doin' "aight." I was given reading material which focused on husbands. Wow, talk about fast-forward. It explained how, in order to keep the relationship strong, the man has to work extra hard, be extra patient, and super caring. Fertility issues were brought up. We were 3 months into a relationship! Hmmm...wow again. How is it that our bond is becoming stronger at a time during which married couples are advised to work harder against growing apart. Props to my girl. Positivity is key. She IS younger than most cancer patients, and I'm sure that helps physically. But my answer to all of this ... ? It's the result of me finding perfection. I am happily in a relationship that makes me feel like I'm not in one. I'm not stressin. I've never put so much non-effort into a relationship, hah. I'm not whippable, so it's cool that I don't feel like I have to answer to anyone. I feel free and committed at the same time. I LOVE being with her, and I'm neutral (although leaning more towards dislike) when I'm not with her. She can get to the muscles that RMT's can't reach, just by using her fingertips and the slightest of pressure. If you don't get the sweetness of that, technically it's because it hits my nerves which somehow calm my inner muscles, namely the lower back ones hahaha. Anyways so ... what's my point again? Oh yeah. Happiness. That's where I'm at now. My next goal is to establish an automated business so that I can let it run itself while I work minimum wage or volunteer doing something I love. The 649 would be dope as well! It's just too bad. I think you can only hit the jackpot once in life and I just realized it already happened ..... naks!
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